1. Balance - I'm realizing that how I eat is just as important (if not more so) as what I eat. I always focus on my gut/digestion as a big part of my OCD...but then I fail to recognize that my eating habits are really a large part of it too. I have a very skewed mentality about food. It's not a concsious thing anymore. But I still have a starve/binge mentality. And really that is what causes the problems. So I need to really work on that. It's been hard wired in me since I was young - clear your plate, don't waste food, be sure you eat enough, etc. There is a lot to it. I won't go into all of the details. But I will say this. I need to find balance. I need to stop the obsessive thoughts and habits related to food. I need to not worry about eating too much or too little. I need to not worry about "wasting" food (i.e. I don't have to eat everything my kids leave on their plates!). I need to stop worrying about eating the "right" or "wrong" food. I need to stop bingeing on "forbidden" foods. When I used to eat so restrictively (anorexia) then when I did allow myself to eat some kind of forbidden food I would eat huge amounts (i.e. ice cream, desserts, etc.). Because who knows when I would allow myself to eat it again. And I would starve myself in order to eat a huge amount of junk. I better get all I can now. Not a good idea. At least I can tell I've made a lot of of progess over the years, especially this last year. I used to eat massive amounts of ice cream in one sitting. People really wondered what was wrong with me I think :P Last night I had a very small dish of homemade ice cream (in a 1/2 cup pyrex dish). And half way through I was already feeling full and wish I had served myself even less. I wasn't wishing I had more. I was totatlly satisfied. I too now wonder how on earth I could eat such huge amounts of ice cream (or whatever other junk food I was restricting) at one time without making myself completely sick. Now the only restrictions I have are foods that truly don't make me feel good (and through GAPS and experimenting I'm learning what those are). There are no foods that I "can't" have because they are supposedly unhealthy in some way or have some kind of stigma associated with them that I created (thankfully I now know that I can enjoy so many awesome foods that are healthy that I used to think were not). So I don't have to worry about not being able to eat the foods I enjoy. I can have ice cream any time I want. So when I do eat it all I need is a small amount to enjoy and feel satisfied. What a concept :P I know that fat is healthy now...but I still don't have to go overboard (something I'm guitly of a lot lately...which causes problems...even too much of a good thing can be bad). I am learning to listen to my body and be more in tune with true appetite/hunger/fullness. I can enjoy my food and really taste it and savor it without eating massive amounts. I know what is healthy. And I can eat good food in normal amounts...in amounts that work for my body.
This balance with food also includes focusing my attention on things other than food. I want to focus on how God can use me instead of how God can "fix" me. I want to focus on others. Food is a huge part of my life. I truly do love to cook and bake and be creative in the kitchen. I love to learn about nourishing, healthy foods. God has given me this passion. But I want to use it to serve God and serve others, not to live a life of obsessing.
I don't have any concrete steps laid out about how to accomplish this yet. But just realizing the problem is the biggest step of all. I will hopefully make small changes daily to bring about this balance. And I have to keep reminding myself that I am a healthy, smart woman. I'm not an anorexic teenager who feels like she can't live/enjoy food/be normal. I don't live with a mother always worried that I'm not eating enough. I am free to live, enjoy life and enjoy food. It does not have control over me. I am free :) That feels good. God is in control. I have faith He will use this passion for his glory. If anyone that reads my blog struggles with similar issues I'd love to hear from you.
I've definitely made improvements with finding balance with my eating. When I'm figuring out what I want for a meal I first think of what my options are/what we have on hand, then what sounds good to me...then I decide what to eat based on what my body is saying (some days I'm really craving sweets, others salty, some days protein, some days carbs, etc.), within reason. And I don't worry about it. And I'm feeling more satisfied after I eat and not like I need to back for seconds and thirds.
I've also been able to focus on some other things. I'm trying to make more time for just doing what the kids want. I've been doing a little more reading. And I've finally made time to sew!
I still have a ways to go in finding the right balance, but I'm getting there.
We had so much fun coming up with recipes/meals. I think we'll keep it up.
3. Sourdough - I need to find some new sourdough recipes to try. Maybe Rebecca has some ideas :) I didn't do a ton of sourdough, but a few things.
4. Food Resources - I plan to look into cheaper sources for some of my staples (like EVOO, coconut oil, sea salt, sucanat, etc.) that I currently get at the health food store...and are quite expensive. They will likely be online resources like Tropical Traditions and Amazon. I did a bulk order from Amazon...quite a bit cheaper!
5. Food preservation - It's that time again. The farmer's market starts next week. That means fresh produce and food preservation! I think strawberries are already going. Maybe we'll have to go pick some soon. I froze about 6 gallons of strawberries and made strawberry raspberry freezer jam. No cherry freezing since they are too expensive this year. I'm looking forward to blueberries!!
6. Eat in season - fresh produce means basing meals on what's in season. I can't wait for all of the yummy summer food. - check.
1. Continue to push myself out of my comfort zone/defeat OCD - friends, outings, playdates. This will also include family outings - check.
2. Supplements - I will continue to take probiotics, cod liver oil and vitamins. I'm still debating about starting Betaine again. I have stopped taking my probiotic. I am committed to eating cultured foods daily instead for now. After about a week I haven't noticed any negative impact from stopping the probiotic.
FAMILY/PERSONAL
Rebecca - check!
a. Continue her enouragement chart to help focus on the positive/good things she does.
b. Eating - teach Rebecca to eat until she's full and not have to clear her plate.
c. chart - staying dry at night - start trying underwear at night - She is doing great! Not a single accident yet.
d. Mommy-daughter date - mini golf and out for dinner (tonight!!)
e. dance class and swimming lessons
Abram
a. Work on development/milestones - talking - he's making some progress.
b. Organize drawers/figure out our summer clothes situation - I still have to organize his closet.
Me
a. Writing - Continue writing for GRNL and RFAH magazin. Seek other opportunities to write? I just submitted my Sept/Oct article for RFAH. I'm working on my July article for GRNL. I'm enjoying these opportunities to write.
b. Sewing/hobbies - I want to keep working on the matching dresses for Rebecca and her doll - I finally got started on this! I'm almost done with the doll dress and can't wait to get going on Rebecca's dress! It will be so cute.
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