God Speaks, and I Surrender All...

Well, I'm trying to.  Not long ago I wrote a post about being alone.  That was how I felt the day after I found out what we had hoped would be baby #2 was not.  That was 4 weeks ago.  I was at a very low point.  But since then God has really been working in me and showing me that he uses all things for his purpose and for the good of those who love him.  A while back I wrote some posts about the various ways we hear God speaking.  Well, he's showing me more ways lately.  We had a MOPS speaker recently that talked about taking off your mask and listening to God.  Those were both exactly what I needed to hear.  They allowed me to open up about our recent IVF journey.  It also opened me up to truly listening to what God has to say.  Not long after we found out the last IVF transfer didn't work I read a blog post by Karen Hossink (http://surviving-motherhood.blogspot.com/ ) that talked about taking the long way around.  God used Karen to speak to me.  Sometimes God takes us the long way around to get to where we need to go.  But he has a reason.  That has given me peace and hope as we wait on this journey.  Then Karen read one of my posts on my family's blog that I had written about Rebecca.  And she commented on it...using MY OWN WORDS to speak to me.  Here is what I said:

"Rebecca is acting more and more like 2 now as well. She has strong opinions and doesn't like to be told no. She seems to think that no always means something is permanent. Like if it's potty time and we tell her to put a doll down she thinks she can't ever have it back. She starts crying saying "you can't have it." Hopefully at some point she'll understand that it's only for a minute. In the mean time whenever we need to do something (like run upstairs for a minute) she feels it's necessary to pick up every toy in a 10 foot radius that she can possilby hold in her arms and take it with her :P Just in case."

Here was Karen's response:

"I have to say, though, most adults I know don't like to be told NO, either. Sometimes we act more like two-year-olds than grown-ups. *sigh*"

Here I was writing about my 2 year old...laughing about how she always thinks a "no" is permanent, when it's only temporary.  Karen helped me see that God does the same thing with me.  Sometimes he says "no," and I get all worked up that it means something will never happen.  When in reality it just may be that something else needs to happen first...and God knows best and knows exactly what I need when I need it.  I just have to trust that he is in control.  Just like Rebecca can trust that what I'm doing is in her best interest.  I have to do the same with my heavenly father.

God truly speaks through other moms and even through me!  One final woman that has touched me recently is another speaker (and mom) that we had at MOPS this year.  She wrote a book (Joy in the Morning...just finished reading it today) about the hardship her family faced when her 4 year old daughter had a rare disease which caused her whole body to shut down.  It took months in the hospital and months of therapy for her to recover.  Their whole life was turned upside down.  But they learned to surrender everything to God and know that he had a plan and purpose for this.  Her ability to surrender her life 100% to God was amazing.  For a while she couldn't even touch her daughter.  She couldn't do anything for her little girl.  So she had to surrender her 100% to God and trust he was taking care of her when all she could do was sit back and watch.

Through this book, prayer, and daily email devotions I get (that all focused on surrender a week ago) God has really been working on this with me.  I have major control issues.  Hello, I have OCD!  The whole basis of it is that you want total control of some aspect of your life.  But God has been slowly allowing me to give up that control.  To totally surrender to him.  It started with the IVF/fertility stuff.  I let go of the hold I had on our story/our struggles.  I had kept it a secret.  But God told me to just let it go, open up, be vulnerable.  He would use our struggles for his purpose.  And since then I have felt a great sense of peace about our situation.  I do not know what the future holds.  I do not know if we will have 1 more child, 5 more children or no more biological children.  But I do know that whatever happens is in God's hands.  I can surrender it all to him and trust 100% that he is in control.  He is using my life for his purpose.  And however he needs to do that is ok with me.  And I know that I would not have been able to do this had we not gone through our infertility struggles and our recent loss.  I still struggle with what happened.  But at the same time I praise and thank God for using it to draw me to him.  I've never felt such freedom in  my life.

You'll notice that at the beginning of this post I said I was trying to surrender all.  Well, I am.  But it is so tough.  There are a lot of things in my life that I keep a tight grip on/try to control.  But the main thing is my OCD.  It impacts every minute of my life.  And it's so hard to give up that control.  But I know God can do it.  He can free me from it.  And he WILL do it in his time.  When I started my treatment for OCD a year ago just talking about it made me panic.  Now when I think about letting it go I get butterflies, almost a sense of excitement.  God is giving me a spirit of boldness to take a step out in faith.  To trust him 100% and know that he will be guiding me every step of the way.  Again he will use my struggles for his plans and purpose.  He can use me, yes me, to be a light to others.  My OCD issues are very intertwined with my digestive issues.  And in my May goal post I said a long term goal was to be able to stop using Miralax and Citrucel.  They are like my security blankets...knowing they will ensure at least a degree of function/normalcy.  But over the last week I decided to go from taking more than my normal dose (bumped it up during my IVF stuff because of how much the hormones affect me) to taking about 3/4 dose.  I figure I'll never know if I never try.  So I just decided to do it.  And God will take care of the rest.  He is faithful.  As I sit her typing I'm in an OCD type state.  A year ago I would have been panicking right now based on how I'm feeling.  But today I just keep reminding myself that God is in control.  I don't have to be.  Just let it go.  Surrender it to God.  And I remain calm...mostly ;)  I'm getting there.

I am slowly learning to truly listen to God and to surrender every aspect of my life to him.  I know that my circumstances are irrelevant.  God can and will use me.  He cares about me.  He wants good for me.  He wants to use me, even in the midst of my trials, for his purpose.  So I strive towards that goal...to fulfill God's purpose for my life.  And one day at a time I try to surrender all to him.